I was planning to write a post for Mother’s Day, but wasn’t able to complete it that day. Mother’s Day was not easy for me this year and in writing a post I guess I wanted to commemorate my own, very short, experience of motherhood, and to recognize the many, many layers of emotion that this day can bring to women in all sorts of different circumstances.
Maybe I am the only person who ever took the creation of a family for granted, as in: you decide to have babies, you get pregnant, then you have a family. It’s easy, for most people. Well, the last year has taught me how ignorant I was about this whole process. This journey of creating a family is a sacred, painful, minefield of emotion. It is beautiful and terrifying all at the same time. It is not for the faint of heart.
I think it’s only the grace of God that helps those of us who have experienced loss along the way, whether through the death of a child, infertility, or another set of difficult circumstances, to keep going. It takes so much courage to stay in this place of vulnerability, to keep going, to try again. It’s an emotional roller-coaster where sometimes the presence and peace of God is so near and sometimes the anger and fear surge up in waves.
This is where I commemorated Mother’s Day. I miss Joseph so much, but I’m glad to have a place where I can come, sit, and remember him. Tending a grave is a poor substitute for holding a baby in your arms, but it is a way to pour out a little bit of the love and care we have for him.
And to the women for whom Mother’s Day, for whatever reason, carries pain and heartache – I pray that the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts.